i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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