yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
