If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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