It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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