sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
