In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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