I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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