My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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