Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
My dick has a subreddit
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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