Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
So much Jack, so little girl.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
