The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
