Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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