Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
