Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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