I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
