I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
