How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
