I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
