When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
