i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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