We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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