Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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