Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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