Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
