so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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