kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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