I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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