We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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