so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Randomize
