I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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