Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
