I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I still have a little drunk in my system
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
