I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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