Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
