At least make sure they are 18
Why
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
