I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
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I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
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Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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