I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
