Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Thank you for not boning my boss.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
