woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
