clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
