the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
He felt like a one man threesome
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
