I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Randomize
