I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Vodka?
Forever.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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