Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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