I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
