New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
