If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
