I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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