from now on my penis is your penis
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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