jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
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