Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
