dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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