I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
