I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
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