hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
