I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
