i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
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please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
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I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
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