Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
So here I am, sexting at work.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
