This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
